How I am feeling about remission...

If you asked me a couple of weeks ago my feelings towards remission, I would have given you a very straight forward "Im not ready.". The thought of remission seemed very foreign to me. The last 18 months has been chemo after chemo, and it has become my normal life, so to comprehend a life without chemo was very hard for me. In a way, I was scared to think of that new chapter of my life, I was scared that I would forget the past 18 months of my life. Also, chemo has given me a suit of armour, I don't have to worry about relapse. However, remission is like going into a battle with no armour, and that is what fears me the most.

I'm not sure what changed my mind from then to now, but I can confidently say that I am more than ready for remission! I am ready to not feel tired all of the time, I am ready to not feel achy all over and I am ready to get back to a bit of normality. What excites me more than anything about remission is getting my energy back. I cant wait to get back into sports, I hope to start off by doing swimming and then do running again when my body has recovered. I am especially excited to get back into full time school, I love school and it is extremely frustrating for me that I don't have the energy to go in as much as I would like. With my aspirations of becoming a doctor, I need to get the best grades possible, so I can't wait to work my butt off in remission!

Of course, I still have my anxieties about remission. My biggest anxiety is relapse, I don't want cancer to stop my life again. I want to be able to live my life without any disruptions. I wish I could be certain that I won't relapse, but unfortunately no one knows. I just need to remember to live each day to the full and to not worry about tomorrow. One of the things that made me nervous about remission is that I thought no one would care about my blogs or videos anymore, but I realise that I have such a HUGE network of support that are always cheering me on, and I know you guys will stay by my side throughout.

Remission is going to be an eye-opening new chapter of my life. It will be interesting to see how I, the perfectly programmed cancer kid, adjusts to life as a normal kid. I don't think I will realise how different it feels until I am there. I hope to experience great memories and achieve all my ambitions. I am mostly scared that I will forget all I have learnt from my cancer journey, but I have realised that I haven't learnt from my cancer journey, I've grown. My cancer journey will always follow me wherever I go, and I know that I will never forget it, I just need to know that it is okay to move on.

Thank you for reading!

Love Ellie xxx