Mixing cancer with school

Before I got cancer I would walk through the school hallways barely getting a single glance, however now I have cancer I seem to be centre of attention- I almost feel like a celebrity at school. Recently I have been attending school on a regular basis, it is a lot of fun, but I don't really feel like I fit in anymore. My good friends even from before I got cancer don't know what to say to me, it is like being the new kid every single day. It doesn't really bother me, but for some other people I have talked to who also have cancer have said they hate being at school because of all the stares and how differently you are treated. School is much harder for me now, it is so much more tiring and school work doesn't come as easy to me as it did before. School really shows me how little energy I have, before I would do a full day of school and then run after school, however now a couple of hours tires me out, thats one thing I have found very hard- I just wish I had enough energy to do everything my friends are doing.

CHEMO BRAIN!!!

Before I got cancer I could easily memorise two pages of french writing in a week, but now with chemo brain it would probably take me 3 weeks! Chemo brain has been hard for me, just little things like forgetting something my mum told me or not being able to concentrate on school work without getting very tired. Does anyone else have this? It is very annoying and I am nervous that it will hold me back for the rest of my life, but I guess you kind of learn to live with it. I have a few tips to help with your chemo brain:

• Writing down things, or setting reminders on your phone.
• Taking regular breaks so you don't tire yourself out to much.
• Plenty of rest and eat healthy.
• Avoid chilling for too long in the day otherwise you don't really have the motivation to do anything productive. 
• Have a calendar.

Repeating a school year

Repeating the school year is often used as a sign of stupidity, but we aren't stupid, we just had to take several months off to kick cancer's butt- which is much more important! Even though having cancer was a horrid experience, we learnt more than you could ever teach in a school year- we learnt about medicines, medical procedures, types of cancers, listened to other people's stories, immersed ourself in hospital culture and most importantly learnt the true meaning of life- it was the best/worst gap year we could ever have!

I am going to miss my year a lot, and even though moving to a new year group is nerve-wracking it is also exciting. Think of it like this, you will be older than everyone else and if your school allows you then you get to go to TWO PROMS!!! I know it still isn't the ideal situation but we just have to make the best of it.

Dealing with questions from people at school.

Personally, I don't mind answering most questions people ask me, I think it is great as they are showing an interest and I want to teach people what having cancer is like. For some people going back to school is a place where they like to feel normal, so an abundance of questions about cancer isn't always what you want. I would simply say to the person asking you the question that you would rather not talk about cancer, I am sure they will respect your request.

Feeling like you don't belong

I wish I could walk around school without getting stares, I wish people who were my friends before would actually talk to me, I wish I wasn't seen so differently. Getting stares is very horrible at school, you feel self conscious as you have so many eyes watching you. Obviously it is a shock to see the kid who has been away with such a serious illness, but I have been at school for a couple of months now, surely you are used to me by now? It just feels like we don't fit in anymore, I don't really have a solution for this except to just wait and ignore the stares. The shock of seeing someone like us won't go away over night but it will get better with time, and just ignore the stares, I just walk with pride and strength. 

We are like celebrities, the school halls are our red carpet and the students are our paparazzi! (; 

Thank you for reading this blog post, I really hope you found this helpful. Mixing school and cancer can be hard but we just need to remember that we fought cancer, so whatever tough school situations are thrown at us, we can handle! 

Ellie xxx

How to cope with insomnia

Insomnia is extremely debilitating, frustrating and can make you feel alone. I know how you feel. You feel like you are trapped in consciousness, unable to slip into a sweet dream.
Sleep is such an amazing thing, the thought of a relaxing deep sleep when you are tired is so inviting. However, for some of us our brains won't allow us to slip into a peaceful sleep, we have to fight for hours to get to sleep.

Insomnia has been such a depressing experience for me. Throughout my cancer treatment I have had bouts of insomnia. The worst was when I had terrible anxiety, I would lay awake for hours, feeling restless and depressed because my mind wouldn't let me fall to sleep. It was an extremely sad time for me as I felt alone and helpless. The only time I would get a break from insomnia was when I was away at a charity house with my mum during radiotherapy, my anxiety was caused by fear of liquid getting into my lungs, so when I slept in the same room as my mum I felt safe. Fortunately, I have being seeing a counsellor and my anxiety has improved dramatically, I can sleep extremely well now and I don't have my mind fixated on my anxieties all day.


Symptoms of Insomnia
Here is a few common symptoms of Insomnia, let's see if your symptoms match:

• Difficulty to fall asleep.
• Lay awake for long periods at night.
• Wake up several times in the night.
• Don't feel refreshed when you wake up.
• Feel tired, irritable and lack of concentration.

Possible causes of Insomnia

These are some of the most common causes of insomnia:

• Stress and anxiety.
• Poor sleeping environment.
• Mental health conditions.
• Life style factors, e.g jet lag, shift work and drinking alcohol or caffeine before bed.
• Physical health conditions, e.g heart problems or long term pain.
• Certain medications, e.g antidepressants, epilepsy medication and steroid meds.

What to do about it

Especially if your insomnia is caused by lifestyle factors you can change some things to help get rid of your insomnia. For people with mental health conditions, like me, it is a bit harder but I personally recommend seeing a counsellor/therapist because that can ease your mental health conditions. Here are a few ways you can get to sleep easier:

• Setting a regular bed time.
• Relaxing before bed, e.g take a bath or listen to music.
• Get off of technology an hour before bedtime as the blue light from your device can disrupt your brain activity and keep you awake.
• Use thick curtains/blinds, ear plugs and ear masks if your sleep is disrupted by the environment.
• Avoid caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, heavy meals, and exercise for a few hours before going to bed.
• Don't nap during the day.
• Write down your worries and solve them to help you forget about them.

Treatment

Try some of the appropriate tips on how to stop your insomnia for a few weeks, if no progress is made then sometimes treatment is necessary for you.

Cognitive behavioural therapy- This is a type of therapy that can help you deal with your thoughts in a more positive way. It helps your break down overwhelming problems into smaller parts and showing you how to change these negative patterns to help improve the way you feel. Unlike other talking therapies, it does not focus on your past, instead it helps you look for practical ways to improve your state of mind on a daily basis. This therapy will help you avoid the thoughts and behaviours affecting your sleep.

Sleeping tablets- Sleeping tablets are usually used as a last resort, doctors try and avoid prescribing them as they won't fix your insomnia and they have longterm effects.

I really hope this post has helped you in some way. Insomnia is such a hard thing to go through and to finally fix it is the best feeling in the world. Sleep seemed so unnatural to me before but now it seems perfectly natural, and now I look forward to sleeping. I wish you the best of luck if you have insomnia.

Love Ellie xxx

Missing the old me, but living for the new me.

Hey guys, just want to say before we start this blog post that I did a youtube video about my cancer story!
Please check it out:
https://youtu.be/L4CjDOg0NHw

Do you ever just reminisce about the good old days? The days when you were care-free, healthy, and having fun. For a person with an illness them days seem so long ago, your new life just seems like your new normal. For me I still shock myself of how quickly my life flipped upside down, one day I was happy and free but the next day I was trapped by cancer. It may make you feel sad wishing you could be how you used to be, at the start of treatment I wished more than anything for this to all be a dream and to be back to normal again- but sadly it doesn't work like that.

You know what? You have just go to embrace the new you! Look to the future, not the past. Now I don't often think about how I was before, as I'm not totally the same person anymore, I'm slightly different now. Everyone goes through different stages in their life where they change, and this is just one of them stages for us, it's more dramatic than other people's but who said change wasn't a good thing? From cancer I have changed as a person so much, and I feel as if I'm a better person now; my outlook on life is better and I'm not worried about what people think of me. I've embraced how I am by creating a blog, social media accounts and creating a youtube channel. Embrace your illness and show the world how awesome you are! Ever since I started my blog I have felt happier than ever before, as I can use my experiences to help other people and also inspire other people to stay strong. It's the best feeling in the world to be told that you are inspiring, so if you have an illness why not help others and make an impact on the world?

Additionally, I just want to say that you are beautiful no matter what. If your illness has changed you physically then don't be ashamed, I have a bald head due to chemotherapy and I show my bald head with pride as it shows how strong & brave I am. So if you have a scar, amputated limbs, etc please don't feel self conscious as it shows that you are a fighter! Show off your imperfections due to your illness with pride and strength.

I just want to inform you guys that I will be doing my blog every two weeks now as I am also doing youtube videos every two weeks. Thank you for understanding (:

Ellie xxx

Hope is a powerful thing

Hope is a powerful thing. Even though hope doesn't always work, the strength and motivation you get from hope is incredible. Look at World War 1 & 2, Winston Churchill published propaganda to keep up the nation's morale/hope, this shows how powerful hope is, as it got the whole nation through such a tough time, without hope everyone would have not been as happy and willing to stay strong. When I first got cancer I hoped the treatment would work and I hoped that I'd survive, and that hope helped me through the pain of my experience.

Every item has a story, whether big or small, when I first got diagnosed my nan gave me a golden elephant. It belonged to my Great-Grandad, he kept it with him as a token of good luck and hope during World war 2. My Great-grandfather was a spitfire pilot, he was such a courageous man, he has been shot down from his spitfire 3 times and survived- so his story really proves that this Golden elephant is truly lucky! My nan wanted to give me the golden elephant to give me luck and hope throughout my treatment, and it definitely seems to be working. 

Also, my nan said to me "Ellie, you are even braver than my father as you are fighting a battle you can't see." However I disagree; if I had the choice I would of wanted to not have cancer and not to fight this horrible battle - but my Great-grandfather was truly brave, because if he had a choice to go to war or not, he would have gone to war as he wanted to fight for his country. My Great-grandfather was truly inspiring and I know he's looking down on me.

Throughout my treatment when things got tough I would disbelieve in hope and good luck. Now I look back, hope has truly helped me get through this experience, hope and luck isn't guaranteed but that fighting spirit you get from it can get you through. So for all of you that are starting a courageous battle with illness, remember to believe in hope as it will keep you strong.

'Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness'

Ellie xxx 

How to deal with Anxiety.

I'm not a very poetic person but the words from that poem seemed to flow out of me. I've been dealing with anxiety for a few months now and it's something I feel very strongly about, in the aspect that I really want to help others with this horrible mental illness and I want to help bring awareness as I feel like people don't know the true extent of anxiety. Im going to be honest, before I had cancer I didn't really think anxiety was even a real thing, and I just thought it was a way of people to bring attention to themselves. I was so wrong, now experiencing it first hand I get how emotionally draining it is and how it can affect someone's whole life. I want to bring awareness to the people who are like the old me, as it's a much worse illness than is made out to be. Your brain controls everything you do, and when the one thing that controls my body start contradicting all that my body does, it's so tough!

Im going to tell you a little bit about my own experience with anxiety; it all started with my feeding tube. Before I had first gotten my feeding tube the nurse cleared with us the possible risks of having a feeding tube and the one that stuck out to me most was "Although this is very unlikely, your feeding tube could get stuck in your lung, so thats why you always have to check the pH of the drawed up liquid before starting feed.". What she said didn't truly start bothering me until about November 2015, after about a month of having the feeding tube. Due to being too ill to do much I would be at home most days, so my mind would have more time to think. I started thinking that the feeding tube would go into my lungs and fill them with liquid until I dry drowned. I used to be terrified and I would always analyse how my breathing was, but that didn't help as it would freak me out even more as I would think I wasn't breathing properly-I used to get scary panic attacks. My anxiety has progressed so much that I'm even scared to drink incase it somehow got into my lungs. You may say that it's so illogical, I know that but no matter what anyone says my brain finds a way of making it possible. Now anything is possible! The impossible happened, getting cancer, I know it's not impossible but in my own little happy bubble it seemed impossible.
 Anxiety had taken over my whole life until recently- on Wednesday I had to have my feeding tube attempted to put down my throat three times resulting in two panic attacks, the anxiety of liquid or the feeding tube going into my lung took over! It's voice relentlessly agonising my mind but I was determined not to let the anxiety make me give up, and with that determination for the first time I was able to ignore the voice inside of my head and keep going, it was hard but I didn't give up! That for me was such a huge step to getting over this stupid part of me, I finally was able to ignore it, for the next time I get anxiety I will use that determination I had on Wednesday to get me through.

Symptoms of anxiety.

Anxiety can have psychological symptoms, such as:

• Feeling on edge or unable to relax
• Feeling irritable
• Having trouble concentrating
• Finding it hard to sleep
• Feeling tearful
• Needing frequent reassurance from people

Anxiety can also have physical symptoms, such as:

• A pounding heart beat
• Breathing faster 
• Palpitations (Irregular heart beat)
• Feeling sick
• Chest pains
• Headaches
• Sweating 
• Loss of appetite 
• Feeling faint
• Needing the toilet more frequently
• Having "butterflies" in your tummy

How to cope with daily struggles of having anxiety.

Take time out- If you start feeling anxious, go and distract yourself. You could have a nice relaxing bath or have a walk around the block. Now that I'm at home a lot I get anxious more easily as I'm not busy, but when I start to feel anxious I like to watch Youtube videos or play with my pets. 

Breathing- Panic attacks are some of the scariest experiences I've ever had, feeling like you can't breath is terrifying, so it's really helpful to learn how to breath, it can change a much more scared and panicked you to a calmer and relaxed you. I haven't actually been taught any breathing techniques myself but one of my mum's friends says he used to breath in and count to 3, then breath out and count to 3- he said this really helped him as it distracted him from the panic and made him focus. If you want to learn more about breathing techniques go to: http://www.anxietycoach.com/breathingexercise.html

Face your fears- As hard as this may seem it could really help, facing your fear could give you that boost you need to overcome anxiety. I fear that liquid or my feeding tube will go into my lung so getting my feeding tube changed was so hard for me but I faced my fear and did it! That has really given me the confidence and determination to overcome my fear and I'm sure it will for you too!

Don't expect everything to be perfect- You will have your good and bad days, unfortunately when you have anxiety thats what it's like. So don't expect to be healed quickly as stuff like this takes time and you're going to have your bad days but as time goes on you will have more good days.

Try to think realistically- I know this absolutely contradicts the mind set of someone with anxiety, anxiety totally contradicts all of your logic. I have been to a doctor about my anxiety and she taught me about how the throat works and where the airways are, this helped me a lot as now I can think a bit more logically if I start to feel anxious.

Aromatherapy- I have an aromatherapy diffuser on my beside table, most nights I diffuse lavender and it has definitely helped me with my sleeping. When my anxiety was worse I used to have trouble getting to sleep and this definitely helped a lot, lavender is known for its calming properties so it helps you relax at bedtime. 

Alcohol and drugs are NOT the answer- Some people try to soothe their anxiety with alcohol and drugs, but neither of these are a medicine and they could even make your anxiety even worse! It may seem like an easy way out of your fears but it will make your feel a lot worse and the longterm side effects of alcohol and drug abuse is just not worth it and it won't stop your anxiety!

See a therapist- I haven't experienced one myself, however I'm going to in a couple of weeks. My sister Olivia had anxiety when I first got ill and I've asked her how it helps her, here's what she says "It's good to talk to someone, plus that it's someone you don't know they can't judge you. You tell them whats been happening and they can go through your problems and give you exercises to help you calm down.". From what Olivia has said it definitely seems like a great way to overcome your fears and help you cope with your anxiety.

Anxiety is extremely painful as you feel as if it won't ever go away, but with the right mindset and strength you can beat anxiety! It will be tough but I believe that you can do it! Without the support from the followers on my social media accounts, the nurses and doctors at the hospital, my friends and my family I don't think I could have done what I did on Wednesday- and that really shows what a great support network can do. So I want to help you anyway I can to get you to beat anxiety, anxiety shouldn't define us so we need to work together to beat it!

I really hope this blog post helped or inspired you in some way.

If you ever want to talk or need advice message me on:

Instagram- @teamellie_blog

Facebook- TeamEllie Blog

Snapchat- teamellie_blog

Ellie xxx

I made it!!!

If you have been following my social media accounts you would know that I have recently completed all 9 of my Intensive chemotherapies and 28 sessions of Radiotherapy! Crazy right? It only seems like yesterday that I started my first ever intensive chemotherapy. The intensive chemotherapy is by far the hardest thing I've had to go through physically and mentally, it would wreck my body and my mind would be depressed. However, in a situation like this all you can do is fight, giving up may seem the easy option but we fight and show cancer that it won't defeat us!
Incase you were wondering my last intensive chemotherapy went very well, for the radiotherapy we dropped one of my chemotherapy drugs called Actinomycin D and that made all the difference. I didn't even really feel like I was having chemotherapy- I was able to eat which I never do on chemotherapy and I barely got any nausea! The side effects of Radiotherapy combined with chemotherapy was quite hard, but due to me feeling much better on chemotherapy I wasn't too worn out.
(Sorry if the video doesn't work, I've had a few problems uploading it)

As for Radiotherapy that was really tough! The first three weeks were pretty easy, but then the side effects really kicked in. I was extremely tired all the time, I lost my appetite and my skin was red and sore. Overall, it was much harder than I thought but I did enjoy going to radiotherapy as I was the centre of attention- for most of the five and a half weeks I was the only child there and the old people liked to fuss over me, I will miss them dearly. I will also miss the receptionists, they were so nice and always great to have a chat with. One of the biggest things I took from this experience was TATTOOS, for all of my life I have been adamant that I wouldn't ever get a tattoo but now I have 3 tiny tattooed dots, now I can confidently say that I was the first person to get a tattoo in my school year! Even though I've had a hard time with side effects, it was an amazing experience but I do enjoy chilling at home a million times more.

IT WAS TOUGH BUT I WAS TOUGHER!!!

Ellie xxx

I've been lying to you...

One of the mottos I have gone by since the start of my treatment is 'Cancer may have taken over my body, but not my personality.' and at the moment that is a lie. I have let the pain and struggles of having cancer effect my personality, I was determined it wasn't going to beat me but it has.
If you knew me before treatment I was up beat, very active and I stood up for what I believed in. That's just not me anymore. Ever since starting radiotherapy the side effects have made me down, slightly lose my fighting spirit and not believe I can do things. I see kids in the ward who have just had their chemo and they are running around like nutters, whereas there is me who isn't pushing themselves to even walk far without my wheelchair!
At the beginning I was strong and optimistic, I'm not saying that I'm not now but I have just let my anxiety get to me so much that I'm hardly the same person anymore! It's really upset me that my cancer has led me to this, I should be happy that treatment is nearly over but as much as I try to be happy; I can't.

Today is a start of something great-trying to find the old me hidden behind depression and anxiety.
I'm getting a therapist so I can learn how to deal with my anxiety and I'm going to try and push myself to do more things and finally believe I can do them again! I know the old me is screaming to come out but I have to sort out the new me before I can get back to the old me. It's going to be hard but it will be better for me and for you guys, my blogs will be better and Im also thinking of filming cancer advice youtube videos, and I can't really give the best advice if I'm not fully understanding my problems myself.

Thank you everyone for reading my blog! I can't wait to get back to the old me and I just want to say thank you for always supporting me- you guys have got me through!

I BEAT CANCER, SO I CAN BEAT THIS!!!!

Ellie xxx